May 4, 2012

The Think Tank: An Explanation

Hello everyone.

So I’ve been a bit underground for a little while. There have been a fairly big combination of things causing that, but now I am up for air enough to explain some things.

You may or may not have heard, or you may have just assumed, but The Think Tank is now closed. But I can’t just say that and not explain it at all (well I could, but that would be kind of a dickish move), so here goes. Here’s some background on what happened.

October ended and “Alive” came to a close. It was an exhausting process, to say the least. Shortly before that, my good friend (and founding partner) April said that it was time for her to move on. I completely understood and supported the decision, though it was very sad to see her go.

With April leaving, it was apparent that more people were needed in order to make the whole thing work. So a couple ads were put up and a couple of very capable guys were brought into the operation (I should note here that I don’t blame these two guys for anything that came after. Just to clarify.) With a group back together, planning began for the next season. And that’s when my thinking began to change.

It’s in a few parts. Part of it, I will admit, was just selfish bratty shit. Brikenbrak has always been my brainchild, and I was really uncomfortable suddenly making compromises and concessions to a season with people I didn’t know that well. I was almost prepared to deal with it, but it wasn’t the only thing on my mind. The other big thing was growing up. I thought I was an adult at 18. I was really sure of it at 21. But as 24 began creeping its way to 25, I realized that adulthood was still looming. Still waiting for me to come claim it. To claim it, I would have to let a lot of things go. I would have to take a big step that would be incredibly scary and yet very freeing. And I did. I made the leap.

In January, I told the group that I was leaving. It was time for me to shift the way I was working and what I allowed my focus to be. And it was time for me to go. They were upset at first, but the undercurrent right away was that they wanted to take the space over and make it work. I was glad for that. I am incredibly proud of the concept and design of The Think Tank, and it made me happy that they wanted to continue that good work. I told them that I would continue paying for the space (I paid most of the rent for the space for most of the time it was open), and I would give them time to get their ducks in a row and take over. I was assured that they would be doing so, and all was well.

The first problem really hit in February when I lost my job. Of course, this meant that I was unable to support the space financially. I used the majority of my final paycheck to pay February’s rent and told them they had a full month to figure out their next step on how to pay for and run the space. I didn’t hear any objections, so I assumed they were hard at work figuring things out.

March came and the talks I had with the group began to focus on me signing over all the stuff in the space (like the lights, projector, chairs, etc.). I agreed that this needed to happen, but I wanted to make sure everything was taken care of. I was just about to agree to completely let the whole thing go and have them totally take over when the shoe dropped: rent was not paid.

Our realtor (a truly awesome person, really), sent an email wondering where March’s rent was. I found this pretty curious, because there was actually a good deal of money just waiting to be collected. One group had done a full rehearsal process there, and another had done a full production. There was at least 500 dollars just waiting to be collected, which would have paid for most of the rent. They would have been left paying just a few hundred dollars between them to get through March. I informed them of this and waited for them to respond.

The other shoe dropped when the realtor posted a 5 day notice of eviction (rightly so) if the rent wasn’t paid. So I emailed everyone involved and told them that now was the time to get it together and get through March. Wouldn’t take much. Just needed a little motivation. Considering just a week before I was being pressured into signing over all the equipment, I really assumed that everything was on track. What I wasn’t expecting was the email I received.

What the email said (I won’t quote the whole thing, because that’s not the point here) was that they found that making the whole thing work was “impossible”, so they were all pulling out. I will admit, that particular word, “impossible”, made me incredibly angry. Difficult? Sure. Time consuming? No question. Not worth it for them? Possibly. But impossible?

Impossible is a word for cowards. It is a word for people who look at a situation and say “if I cannot do it easily or quickly, then it cannot be done”. Perhaps I don’t know enough of the story, but the space worked when I was the financial backer for almost a year. But somehow was “impossible” for the one month I didn’t back it. To be perfectly honest, I am glad that something I am so incredibly proud of did not end up being run by anyone who falls back on words like “impossible”. Cowardice is the enemy of art. What we do requires bravery. It requires boldness. And I would wager that great art was never made by a true coward.

So it was back to just me. I thought that adulthood meant transitioning it all to others, but I found that it meant another trial by fire to work my way through it. Luckily, as I mentioned before, my realtor was a true gem and really didn’t want to see me with an eviction on my record. She had also dealt with the others, and realized how badly I was being screwed. So we struck a deal for me to clear everything out of the space over a weekend, and we’d call it good.

So I did. I worked for 17 and a half hours straight. Disassembled and moved every single item out of the space. Most of it was by myself (though I thank Kirby Brown very much for lending a welcome hand and some company for some hours). It was easily one of the most difficult and awful things I’ve ever done. But it felt appropriate in a way. Leaving adolescence behind. Moving on. Such lessons are often very difficult.

So what now? I am keeping my head down for the moment. I have a lot of writing on my plate at the moment, and I am very happy doing that. I am certainly not done with theatre (nor will I ever be), so I guarantee you’ll see Brikenbrak again. It will probably look different. Be different. And that’s a good thing. I have now tried the “let’s do show after show after show” way and it does just doesn’t work for me. It’s a good thing to know about myself.

I would like to thank everyone who gave their support and hard work to make the last year possible. I am so incredibly proud of The Think Tank. When I walked away in January, it was going strong and it was something that really could have been sustained. I hope that you don’t look at this as a failure of the idea. The idea was and is a strong one. I still believe that renting spaces shouldn’t feel like highway robbery. Someone who is better equipped to be a landlord than I am could really take this idea and make it gold. I just am not at a point in my life where it could happen. It’s a good thing to know about myself.

I would like to apologize to Roundhouse Theatre, who were about to start a round of rehearsals in there. I would very much like to apologize to Odradek Theatre, who had to find a whole new place to put on their show. It is a testament to their courage and resourcefulness that they pulled it off. To those groups: if I could have done anything at all to keep the space going, if only for you guys, I would have. I truly would. By the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late for me to fix it. And for that, I am sorry.

To everyone who contributed their support and hard work, you are not forgotten. I never really got the chance to properly thank those who gave over Kickstarter. I know that probably seems like a long time ago, but I don’t forget these kinds of things. And I will make sure that when you see Brikenbrak again, you all are properly thanked.

If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. This isn’t meant to be some mysterious thing. It’s also not meant to be an airing of dirty laundry, so certainly there are many elements not fully disclosed here. It’s meant to be moving on. For me and for others. So let’s take a leap forward together, eh?

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March 31, 2012

Review: Bard Fiction

There are many pairings that make a whole lot of sense: wine and cheese, burgers and fries, fries and milkshakes (if you’re weird). And then you’ve got Quentin Tarantino and William Shakespeare. Not a natural pairing, to be sure. But after seeing Commedia Beauregard’s production of “Bard Fiction”, I can definitely see the connections. And while it isn’t perfect, it certainly is both interesting and entertaining.

First things first: if you haven’t seen Pulp Fiction, both this review and the show really aren’t going to make a whole lot of sense. This is a show that absolutely depends on you being familiar with the source material (the more familiar, the better). So, if you haven’t seen it go ahead. I’ll wait.

All right, saw the movie? Good, let’s go on. “Bard Fiction” was the work of a whole team of people on the internet, taking Tarantino’s magnum opus and retrofitting it with words befitting the Bard. I would call it a translation except that it’s certainly still English.

Now that you’ve seen the movie, you know the plot…so I’m not going to spend 5000 words trying to relate the whole thing here. Instead, I’ll just talk about what works and what doesn’t.

First is the script. For being assembled by a big group of people, this script is actually rather brilliant. It’s witty and punny and works nearly seamlessly with the original story. Even in times when the production doesn’t work perfectly, it’s still stimulating and interesting because the words keep it humming along. If there’s a problem with the script, it’s that you have to add in more words to every sentence to get the message across (and Tarantino isn’t exactly the king of brevity as it is).

There are a lot of strong performances here. Jovan King and and Josh Zagoren produce both solid impressions and interpretations of Jules and Vincent (respectively). Clark Bender puts in a number of solid roles as Paul the bartender and what amounts to Christopher Walken’s role in the film (he also plays the Gimp, but it’s pretty hard to mess that up). And Zach Livingston ends up giving the standout performance as Butch.

So with strong performances and a seriously entertaining and well put together script, that must mean that it’s just totally fantastic, right? Well…not quite. While it’s perhaps a petty complaint (and one that I may be more sensitive to than others) the fight choreography and implementation is pretty disappointing. The reason that Pulp Fiction is both striking and hilarious is because there is such a casual attitude given under such deadly circumstances. People really die and it feels really serious. And that makes the quips even funnier. Because the stakes feel low in this prodiction, it doesn’t have as much importance as it all should.

The other thing missing is something both intangible and incredibly important: the engine. One of Tarantino’s biggest trademarks is the speed. One of the reasons his films work so well is because they move so fast that you can barely keep up, all the while feeling like you’re being dragged through the story at a breakneck pace. A million things happen within the confines of the story, and it takes multiple viewings just to chatch it all. With “Bard Fiction”, they have felt the need to slow it down so that you can absorb all the new words that have been added. In doing so, the engine of the piece has considerably slowed. When it really kicks into high gear (such as the “Say ‘what’ again” sequence) it’s absolutely brilliant. And it’s still pretty good otherwise.

One of the most interesting aspects of the whole thing is my newfound appreciation of Butch. I’ve never been a huge Bruce Willis Fan, and Butch’s story line just never seemed as interesting to me as that of Jules and Vincent. But framed as a Shakespearian figure, Butch is truly fascinating. There’s the dead father, the ghostly relics of the past, the murder, the quest to escape with his love at all costs. Butch the boxer becomes something akin to Hamlet in parts here, and it became one of my favorite parts of the show.

So, there are great things and not so great things. What does that mean about me liking the show? And should you see it? If you’re a big fan of the film, or want a fun night out (this would definitely be something fun to see after a drink or two) then my answer is definitely yes. This is a theatre company which promotes doing really fascinating things, and you could do a hell of a lot worse than supporting people who are doing cool work. So for sharp writing and solid performances, “Bard Fiction” gets a solid B in my book.

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March 4, 2012

Great Movies: Contagion

There has been an incredible influx of fiction concerning zombies in the past few years. Everything from books (World War Z), movies (28 Days Later), television (The Walking Dead), and video games (everything). And while these are all scary and thought provoking, they still have this large separation between us and the material. Something that keeps us safe. Obviously the likelihood of a real zombie apocalypse is pretty slim, so it’s not something we have to worry about too much. However, if you reel that back just a single step, you encounter something that’s both very real and incredibly scary: pandemic. This is the subject of “Contagion”, and it proves to be ripe for the picking.

 

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Pictured: Every video game to come out in the last year

 

Several times throughout modern history, a great percentage of the entire human race has been wiped out by pandemics. The Black Death killed 100 million people in the middle ages. But even as recently as 1918, something as simple as the flu killed around 75 million people around the world. How likely is it that something like this will happen again? Pretty damn likely, according to the CDC (who joined the campaign for this movie to get people to wash their hands once and awhile). So while other horror films can deal in monsters and fantastical ideas, director Steven Soderbergh’s epic film is rooted in a terror that is as real as it gets.

 

The film starts with Gwyneth Paltrow’s character coming back from a trip to China (and cheating on her husband). Not long after she is home, it is obvious that she is sick. And since we already understand the premise of the film, it’s not surprising when her time in the movie is (mercifully) quick. Before long, half of Minneapolis is infected with the fast moving illness (and Chicago too, where she stopped for her tryst). Bodies are piling up by the thousands, and it’s all hands on deck to try to stop it.

 

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Whenever I think about the pretentious crap that she encourages others to do and buy, I think about her being stuck with this face forever.

 

There may be no more talented director than Soderbergh at balancing the talents of large groups of actors. Oceans 11, as hokey as it is, is one of my favorite movies. And a big reason for that is that each talented performer gets to share the spotlight. Everyone blends into a fantastically entertaining mix, and the same holds true for this film. The cast is huge, the story epic, and yet everyone has their moments. Matt Damon serves as the humanizing factor as Paltrow’s widowed husband, standing at ground zero of a world wide disaster. His only objective throughout the story is to keep his daughter safe, and it grounds the entire film in a solid foundation. Lawrence Fisbourne and Kate Winslet are scientists trying to study the epidemic on the front lines. Winslet’s part is short, but it is written and acted so well that it is ultimately heart wrenching.

 

All sides of the story are explored here. From the media (Jude Law) the world governments (Marion Cotillard) to the downtrodden folks who know nothing of the bigger picture (John Hawkes). Soderbergh moves the story effortlessly from one section to the next, weaving together the tapestry expertly. It feels raw, solid, and incredibly realistic. 

 

And you’ll definitely remember to wash your hands. 

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February 1, 2012

Review: Death and Harry Houdini

For me, magic is one of the most delightful, puzzling, wonderful forms of performance in existence. When I was rather young (maybe 6 or 7), I was given a small magic set by my grandparents. Though I was not particularly skilled at it (who is skilled at anything at 7?) what fascinated me was seeing how the tricks worked. I loved seeing how small shifts, slight of hand, and a little misdirection can create what amounts to an illusion. We can trick our own eyes and brains with little more than a silk scarf.

My enthusiasm for magic hasn’t died. I still stare hard at videos of magicians to try to figure out the tricks. It’s not about trying to spoil it. Really, I am in incredible awe of the skills necessary to pull it all off. So I love seeing great technicians displaying an ancient craft. That being said, Penn and Teller are probably my favorite magicians. They combine just the right amount of transparency with a shocking amount of wonder. And a very strong dislike of bullshit. So it makes sense that I would also be fascinated with their idol, Harry Houdini.

Death and Harry Houdini was the first show The House Theatre ever put together, 10 years ago. And it makes sense. This is a show which combines great spectacle with a very deft hand at deep emotion. It revels in being bombastic, then lets everything simmer down to what lies at the bottom of the pan. It seems to mark what House does best, and I was very glad to get this look at both their past and future as a company.

This is how I feel after eating Burger King...

The show tells the story of the life (and death, of course) of Harry Houdini, trying to show his connections and fascinations with death throughout his life and career. It’s an incredibly extensive story, so inevitably there are some parts that end up getting glossed over (his dedication to outing what he called “humbugs” or fakers, his fascination with contacting his mother from beyond the grave, etc.) but playwright Nathan Allen does a very good job of framing the story of one of the world’s most fascinating people in a way that keeps a strong dramatic flow.

A show like this obviously has to be built around someone. You can’t just create a show that is all about Houdini without having a great magician and actor at the helm. And Dennis Watkins is one of the main reasons that this show works so well. The show starts with one of the most classic escape stunts: breaking out of a straight jacket. And with that deftly completed, he qualifies himself as a man we can trust to work the magic needed for this show. His close up magic is particularly impressive, and his cup and ball routine is just about as well done as I’ve ever seen.

Are you my mummy....?

There are also some very solid performances from the rest of the ensemble. After seeing a couple performances I wasn’t pleased with, I can finally say that I really enjoyed Carolyn Defrin very much as Houdini’s faithful wife Bess. She was delightful, vulnerable, and really got to flex some surprising dance skills in the role. House Theatre company member Shawn Pfautsch (I’m glad I just have to write that name and not say it) steals most of the scenes he is in. He is by far the best voice in the singing ensemble, and he throws himself into the commitment to the role of Harry’s brother Theo.

If I had to point out some spots that didn’t please me as well, I would first and foremost have to touch on parts on the script. Actually, the dialogue was very good, but some of the songs left a good deal to be desired. The rhyme structure and syllable count to several of the songs was really off in some spots, and made the songs feel jumbled. Also, while all of Watkins’ magic was superb, some of the tricks done by the ensemble members felt flat. It may very well be simply from my own experience and knowledge, but sawing someone in half just isn’t going to leave much of an impression on me.

Overall though, Death and Harry Houdini is an incredibly satisfying experience. One of the greatest things about magic is that, when it’s done well, it leaves you with a sense of childlike wonder. We watch, jaw agape, as mystifying events occur right before our eyes. And The House Theatre’s production hits all those right notes, while balancing the wonder with a very well acted, well produced, and expertly crafted show. I’m happy to give it a solid A.

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January 23, 2012

Ten Spot at Gamestop: F.E.A.R.

Ambivalence.

There is absolutely nothing so deadly to a writer as ambivalence. Especially when writing something like a review. Inspiration is the core of writing, isn’t it? And the entire point of writing a review is to express a strong opinion. So nothing is as disheartening as finding you just sincerely don’t give a shit.

This is a bunny. Because it's more interesting than the game I reviewed.

F.E.A.R. stands for First Encounter Assault Recon. Which if you’re wondering, means absolutely fucking nothing. It might as well be called Ferocious Elephantine Assholes Refrigerator because it means just as much and still spells FEAR. The game is an amalgamation between a first person shooter and a horror survival game. And I know what you are thinking: “Hey, Resident Evil is kinda like those things and they’ve put out some really good games.” Ah, but that’s where you are wrong. Resident Evil works because it gives you 150 zombies to shoot and 149 bullets to shoot them with. F.E.A.R….well…let’s go back a bit.

In F.E.A.R., you play a character called Point Man. In the grand tradition of first person shooters, your character might as well be a sack of potatoes with arms and space for guns. He has no personality, little history to care about, and a helmet for a face. In just about every respect, it’s your run of the mill first person shooter. And that’s the problem.

Quick, Master Chief! Save the Galaxy!

I keep on jumping the gun. I mean to write about the story, and I find myself drifting on to other parts. And there’s a fair reason for it. Because after playing the game for hours, I sincerely didn’t know what the hell was going on or really care all that much. Ok, that’s not fair. I knew. Somewhat. But I was so disinterested that it didn’t matter. So your potato sack with arms is part of a force called F.E.A.R. (yeah, they actually say out what the acronym means and keep a straight face). It’s some kind of elite military force that deals with paranormal phenomenon. In the beginning of the game they discuss you, the new recruit, and your incredibly awesome reflexes which have made you eligible for the ghost busting club. What this really means is that you can press a button and activate bullet time, suddenly transporting you into a John Woo film. Then you are given your mission. A strange man has telepathically taken over a corps of cloned soldiers and has taken over a government installation. It’s your job to go in there and blast the everloving shit out of anything that twitches.

Once inside the compound, things start to get spooky. Or it would like to be spooky. Your fellow soldiers start exploding into blood and dust. And you seem to be haunted be a creepy little girl named Alma. God I’m bored.

OK, back to why this doesn’t work very well. As I stated before, the first big reason that this doesn’t work too well is firepower. When you’re playing through Resident Evil, you’ve got a shotgun with no bullets, a typewriter ribbon (not having seen a damn typewriter in 4 hours), a knife, and herbs. And absolutely no clue how to kill the teeming hordes that are coming after you. With so few resources, what the hell are you supposed to do? On the flip side, Left 4 Dead works because you may have 100 bullets, but there is an entire sea of undead creatures headed your way. And you’re not going to have a ton of med kits at your disposal. F.E.A.R. wants to give you all the traditional trappings of a FPS and then tell you you’re in danger. When you’ve got a pistol, a shotgun, and a rifle that can practically blow a hole in the fabric of space and time, it’s hard to feel like you’re backed in a corner. Especially when you’ve got 10 med kits. And especially when you can push a button and slow down time. Just sit behind a wall and take pot shots during slow mo time and you’re not going to be in much danger. Sure, there’s an option to turn bullet time off. But considering it’s one of the main selling points of the game, it’s definitely intended to be there.

The second problem is that the scares are neither revolutionary or unexpected. Sometimes the little girl Alma takes control of what you see, giving you visions of explosions or death. Sometimes the lights go out. And sometimes they just flash a kinda bloody face on the screen and make a loud noise. Does that sound scary to you? Quick, look at the picture down below, then come back up to this paragraph. Were you scared? Probably not. Neither was I. Ok…Santorum scares me pretty badly. But way more than anything that happened in my time with F.E.A.R.

BOO! I AM SEXUALLY REPRESSED! BOO!

You want a scary game? Eternal Darkness, for Gamecube. That’s terror. When the volume shuts off, your character suddenly loses their head, and the game seems to shut down your entire system, then it starts getting seriously messed up. Definitely not the same as a spooky face and a shaky camera.

Are there some good parts of the game? Certainly. As FPS experiences go, it’s definitely not bad. Some of the big action set pieces are really quite interesting. The graphics are good for their time, and it’s nice to see them at least make an effort to extend beyond “Space marine fights aliens on some planet or maybe earth”. I know at some point I am going to power through and finish this game. Because it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever played. It’s got sequels which are supposed to be better and are definitely tied to the story of the first one. So playing through this one will be necessary at some point. But is it worth your hard earned 10 dollars?

God, I got so bored that I forgot to answer that question.

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January 5, 2012

A Year in Review

Hello everyone! I’m sure you were all preparing cakes and pies and…I don’t celebrate birthdays much so I don’t really know what goes on for it. But this website just turned 1! Sometime last night, while I was busy staring at my computer screen and waiting for the seconds to gradually pass till I could leave, the website became a whole year old. In some foreign nations, it would be old enough to start working in a warehouse sewing soccer balls!

GET A JOB!!

But really, it’s been a very fascinating experience this year. I would say that working on this blog has really changed the way I approach the media I encounter in the world. Instead of just sitting idly by and letting pretty pictures flash in front of my eyes, I’m taking a more proactive approach and thinking about what is being presented. Even if I don’t write about something I’ve seen, I still look at it through the lens of review. Of critique, I suppose you’d say (though I really don’t like how negative the connotation is). I find myself being more thoughtful about my approach to the world. So…that can’t be a bad thing, right?

Interesting Numbers

Or at least numbers I find interesting. You may not give a damn. But then, you are reading a post about how I like to review things, so you must be at least somewhat invested in my thought process (or you are a serial killer contemplating wearing me as a skin suit). So here are some interesting numbers from this year!

–This year, the site was visited 5,185 times. A half an hour with a calculator tells me that’s about 14.5 people a day. Yay for half people! (No offense, half people.)

–Besides the home page (1,276 visits), the most popular post for this year was the one I did about the best and worst Batman villain portrayals (921 visits). FUN FACT: Most of that post was written while bored out my skull, typing it all out on my phone during the run of a show I worked that was duller than a Kardashian mixed with a Lohan.

–My busiest day was on March 23rd, which is right after my interview with Neofuturists artistic director Ryan Walters came out. 43 out of the 74 visits that day were to that interview.

–The post with the most comments is a review of one of the worst things I saw this year (more on that later).

–Not many people listened to the podcasts. And I don’t care much because I like them and will do more this year. (That wasn’t really a number, but that’s ok.)

The Best

So what were the best things I experienced this year in the way of media as it relates to this blog?

–Black Swan
The movie was so damn good that it made me start a website and begin really reviewing things again. If you still haven’t seen it, go do so. It is completely engrossing and puts you in the mind of someone like few other pieces of art do.

–The Muppets
There were a number of factors that made seeing this movie really wonderful. But the bottom line is that it was the movie Muppet fans really wanted (or at least me, and I’m a Muppet fan). It was fun, energetic, had a lot of heart, and featured the best white rapping since Vanilla Ice rapping with the Ninja Turtles.

–Man from Nebraska
This probably is the most surprising thing I saw this year. There in the tiny, impossibly strange space at Redtwist, they put on one hell of a show. It’s no wonder that some of the most talented people I know in this city are attracted to the place.

–Odradek
I’d never seen the work of House Theatre prior to this, and now I highly recommend them. While it wasn’t a perfect show, few shows have inspired me creatively as much as this one did. It had enough atmosphere to make up for some lesser gripes. And the design team just killed it.

–Skyrim
I haven’t written about it yet. But that’s probably because it’s so huge and amazing that it would be like trying to write about the face of God. …or something less hyperbolic.

I was going to write about Skyrim, then I took an arrow in the knee.

The Worst

While I experienced a lot of really amazing things this year, not all of it lived up to expectations. Actually some of it really did live up to the expectations, and that’s why it was so bad.

–The Cape
If “Man From Nebraska” wins most surprising, then “The Cape” wins most disappointing. I wanted it to be so good. I wanted it to be the gritty, intense show that would put superheroes back on TV. Or at least be the fun, entertaining romp that would make it addicting. Instead, it was neither. It was a waste of an OK premise.

–Two Worlds II
If I had read the reviews for the first Two Worlds, I probably would have avoided this all together. Instead, I found myself playing a game that was not only completely unreadable because of poor design choices, but completely boring because they made a shitty game. It’s interesting how many semi positive reviews I found for this game. Perhaps the original Two Worlds just took your dog out back and shot it, so anything would be an improvement.

–The Maid of Orleans
I don’t have to rehash everything I didn’t like about it (length, dryness, knitted caps). But it was definitely the most unpleasant experience I had this year in the theatre. And the fun that followed in the comments certainly was the cherry on top of the whole crap sandwich.

This is like armor. For hipsters.

In Conclusion

I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun reviewing things this year. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of practice developing my writing voice, and I feel like I write more poignantly about topics than ever before. I also think I write comedy a little better than I previously imagined, and that’s a welcome surprise. And best of all, I just feel more free to relate to you what is swirling around in my head.

So here’s to another year!

Unless the ghosts of the Mayans come back to drag us to hell.

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December 24, 2011

Ten Spot at Gamestop: Bioshock 2

So I promised in the last post that there were indeed some solid titles that you can pick up for under 10 bucks at everyone’s least favorite game retailer (that we always go back to, like an abusive boyfriend).

Even after Gamestop beat up Rhianna, we still went back. Wait...

So after rolling around in the gutter for one review, we can come up for air a little bit and take a look at a truly solid, enjoyable game: Bioshock 2. Admittedly, this is a bit of a cheat for me because I already owned the game. But it’s not a cheat for two reasons. 1: I had not had time to play the game prior to this, so I may as well have just picked it up right then (9.99 at Gamestop, by the way). And 2: It’s my blog and I make the damn rules around here. I’m the law. I’m practically Steven Seagal here, so I won’t take any of your crap.

If you haven’t played the original Bioshock, this whole thing is going to be a little useless at the moment. Some sequels can by played as independent games, without support of the others…and I suppose you could do that with Bioshock 2…but frankly there’s absolutely no reason to do so. This is a game that builds on what knowledge you already have as opposed to spending a lot of time going over previous events. So while the gameplay will still be fun and the atmosphere will still work, the story will probably just fling right over your head like a plague-filled corpse being catapulted over a medieval castle wall (I should enter that metaphor into a contest somewhere, I think).

Bioshock 2 takes place 8 years after the original title. Down in Rapture, the conditions have gone from bad to absolutely hellish. And although things look very familiar, it’s apparent that everything is simply falling apart. You are put into the fearsome boots of Subject Delta, who happens to be a Big Daddy. While the original Bioshock made a bit of a clumsy mess out of the “become a Big Daddy” section, it plays much better here. Instead of feeling like a marble statue with moveable legs, Delta is as agile as any other FPS character, even if you can feel the weight that comes behind it. He plays much like Jack from the original title. However instead of your trusty pipe wrench, you get the fun of handling the signature Big Daddy weapon: the drill. Drilling the shit out of people until they basically explode is great fun, at least until you get a better arsenal.

The Rapture dental plan leaves much to be desired

I would say that the second game in the series is better suited for strategy than the first game was. Or perhaps it just gives you more opportunity to utilize said strategy. Here you can set up giant rooms to become nothing more than traps for unsuspecting enemies. Wait for a rival Big Daddy to wander in, and suddenly a formidable foe is drowned in gunfire. It’s better suited for the way I play, which is a lot slower and more careful. There is still plenty of room for the runners and gunners in the crowd, but careful, slow inspection of the surroundings can really open up the world in unique ways.

Another reason I’m apt to take this game slow and steady is because it’s pretty damn terrifying. Play this game in the dark, and play it with the sound turned all the way up, because atmosphere is one of the biggest elements of Bioshock 2. Perhaps you are investigating an out of the way corner when suddenly you hear the shriek of a splicer from behind you. Or the familiar groans as a Big Daddy looms near. Or grab a new pair of pants as the Big Sister gives her twisted-metal like scream and enters the level, preparing to seriously fuck shit up.

She's like the big sister you had growing up. Except she will murder you. So...she's a lot like your real big sister

Admittedly, I haven’t played through the entire game. But then again, that’s not necessarily the point of this kind of review. This is about finding experiences that are worth the value you pay for them. For 10 dollars, I will probably be playing this game for a month or two (that’s even before taking it online). For about the price of a movie ticket, you can get an experience that lasts a hell of a lot longer than anything Hollywood can put together. So I don’t know if I can put a better endorsement on something than that. So, would you kindly play this game? (And would you kindly stop hitting me with that golf club?)

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December 18, 2011

Ten Spot at Gamestop: Pocket Bike Racer

So after much deliberation (and a look at my bank account), I decided it might be fun to see just how far one could stretch his or her gaming dollar at a place notorious for mugging you as you walk in the door: Gamestop. Seriously, it costs 1200 Microsoft points just to park in the fucking lot outside. Trading in a game there actually requires you to wash out one of their toilets. And buying a game from them costs about 5000 dollars.

But really, trade in a console there. Then, enjoy the fucking sandwich you can buy with that money. Just don’t get extra cheese, because you are shit out of luck.

So at a place where they will buy back a game for 12 cents (I wish that was a fucking joke on not something that happened to me in real life), what the hell can you get for 10 bucks or less? The answer? Quite a lot, actually. And quite a few of the titles that cheaply stock the shelves aren’t total crap, either.

But for the sake of comedy (or schadenfreude, considering I actually did this and now you get to laugh at it), I am kicking off this section with something truly awful: Pocket Bike Racer.

Pocket Bike Racer was part of a promotion that Burger King put on in 2007. Essentially, for an extra 4 bucks, a high school drop out would throw one of 3 games into your bag of fried lard and chicken cartilage. And once you washed off the stink of shame enough for it to play in your console, you’d quickly wish you’d just opted into getting the Barbie toy that came with the Big Kids Meal. It’s like if BK’s mascot The King made unholy love to a Whopper sandwich, then forcefully jammed that straight into the womb of a terrible game designer, who then aborted the whole thing two weeks later and put it on disk.

Picture it. PICTURE IT!

Pocket Bike Racer is at least partly what it says on the box. It is a game that prays fruitlessly to be anything like Mario Kart, but fails in every single way. First of all, Mario Kart is fun. Pocket Bike Racer is like tripping over your dead dog and falling into Jerry Sandusky’s shower. Unfun both isn’t a word and isn’t nearly descriptive enough to encompass just how devoid of entertainment the game is.

Turn on the game and you are met with what seem like a surprising amount of options. What? There’s a character creator? I suppose that’s true…as long as you feel that Super Mario 3 giving you the choice between red Mario and green Mario is character creation (and don’t fucking tell me that guy is Luigi. Just don’t). So after procrastinating from the inevitable for a few minutes, I headed to the core of this game, which is the races.

To start off, you are given the choice between two bikes. One is very fast, but handles like mashed potatoes. The other handles like slightly more solid mashed potatoes, but is so slow that it is literally impossible to win a race. No kidding. You could be the love child of Evel Knievel and Mario Andretti and still not place above 4th with that bike. So what do you do?

…that’s a really good question.

I would say I gave this game a fair shake. I didn’t come anywhere close to completing it. But I probably made it farther than anyone who wasn’t A) on meth or B) an employee of Burger King.

This woman is both of those things.

So are there redeeming qualities to this? Well…the graphics aren’t bad. Then again, the race layout is so completely fucked up that instead of trying to guide you back to the track, the game just immediately picks you up and throws you back on the track in the right direction because there’s NO WAY you’re coming back after you go off track. That’s not even sarcasm. You just aren’t coming back. It’d be like if you fell off rainbow road and then fell for an eternity into the empty darkness of space.

The music wasn’t totally awful. Then again, after about 30 minutes of playing, the music actually gave up as I was playing it. No sounds. No music. Nothing. I’m pretty convinced that they didn’t bother writing code for anything further along than 30 minutes of gameplay, and then no one tested it to see.

The weapons are totally uninspired and boring, the races are tedious at best, and half the character models seem like random Xbox avatars. There’s one character that vaguely looks like The Stig from Top Gear. Aside from that, you can play as The King, Subserviant Chicken, Whopper Junior, and…Brooke Burke? It actually took me quite a few minutes to remember just who the hell she is. And in fact, I was wrong. I was pretty sure she was the host of the game show “Dog Eat Dog”, but that’s Brooke Burns. So in fact, I still don’t know who the fuck she is. She’s nobody. So that leaves The King, Subserviant Chicken, and Whopper Junior as the only interesting character models in this dog turd of a game. So what it boils down to, folks, is that there may be only one interesting reason to play this game.

There you go. In this game, you can live out your wildest fantasies of being dressed like a fucking burger. So if you have that kind of fetish, or just have an extremely eclectic bucket list, there you go. Otherwise, you’d be better off killing yourself and/or your entire family.

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December 12, 2011

Netflix Pick: Buried

“Buried” is a film that has a hell of a lot of balls.

A lot of times, when I’m watching a film (or tv show) or even playing a game, I think about what I wish they had done. What I was hoping they might do, just for the sake of being completely badass and really going there. Striking out and taking a serious risk and seeing if it will pay off. Most times, I’m come away pretty disappointed because so many films, tv shows, and games just don’t take those risks. Well, “Buried” takes the risk. And it pays off in big ways.

“Buried” puts Ryan Reynolds front and center as Paul Conroy, an American contractor (read: truck driver) working in Iraq. He’s not a soldier. He has nothing of value. He’s essentially working a dumb, low paying job because he has to put food on the table somehow. And even though he’s the worst candidate for ransom ever, that’s exactly what happens. His convoy is attacked, his friends killed, and he is buried in a small coffin deep under the sand somewhere in Iraq. He’s got a cell phone and is slowly given directions on how people can pay a whole lot of money in order to save him.

And here’s where the whole “risk taking” thing comes about: we never leave the coffin. There is exactly one character who appears on screen: Paul Conroy. You see flashes of other things on his cell phone, but that camera never leaves the box. And this film is so much better for it. I remember seeing the excellent horror film “The Descent” and remarking how claustrophobic the atmosphere could make the audience. Well “Buried” makes that film seem like it was made in cathedrals, because director Rodrigo Cortés has completely redefined how to use claustrophobia from afar. The camera is literally stuck with Paul as he struggles to wrap his head around what the hell has happened to him and how exactly he is going to get out of it. We feel the closeness. The panic. You can practically feel the breath being blown back at you as it hits the edges of the prison you’re stuck in with him. It’s an absolutely brilliant piece of filmmaking, even from just a technical perspective.

Of course, technical skill can only go so far. In a film with only one character, you’d better make damn sure that the person you’ve got on screen is carrying his weight. And surprisingly enough (it’s not like he’s got a collection of Oscars or anything), Ryan Reynolds puts together a gripping, incredibly solid performance. It’s simple and raw and incredibly believable. It’s the kind of weighty role I’d love to see more people throw at Ryan Reynolds (and I have a feeling he’d appreciate that too). The rest of the actors, mostly just appearing by voice over his phone, serve the story very well and no one comes across as a weak link.

There is a bit of business in the middle where the story goes off the rails for a few moments. It almost felt as though the script was done, and then someone looked at it and said “I think it needs a bit of exciting business there in the middle. Yeah, just put something in there to crank up the tension. What should it be? I dunno. Snakes? Fire? You’re the writer here, not me.” Luckily enough, it’s easy to overlook that head scratching few minutes, and the story quickly gets back to the business of making you feel like you’re trapped in a damn coffin.

I’m going to cross one of my own lines here and be just a little spoiler-y, so there’s your warning. I feel I’d be a little remiss if I didn’t talk, at least in vague terms, about the ending. I’m not one that pushes for big happy endings, but I have to say that there was a part of me that was genuinely shocked at the bleakness of the end of this film. It does a damn fine job of setting you up on a very comfortable carpet that you think you can ride to the end, then pulling it out from underneath you quick enough to get rug burns on your face. It’s a nasty little shock, and it’s the perfect kind of risk that makes this movie really memorable and not just simply good. (Spoilers done.)

While the utter lack of words for long periods of time, where all Paul Conroy can muster are frustrated grunts, can make this a little awkward to watch discreetly in the office (sorry for anyone who thought I may have been watching porn, fellow office workers), it certainly doesn’t detract from how gripping and well put together this movie is. Ryan Reynolds puts together probably his best performance to date (a shame he didn’t really win anything for it), and it’s unique storyline and fantastic acting alone are more than enough reason to recommend this film. It easily wins an A rating in my book.

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November 30, 2011

Review: The Muppets

Make no mistake: I love the Muppets. I always have. When I was young, I was completely engrossed in Sesame Street. It was a world that felt so much a part of our own. The same kinds of problems. The same kinds of situations. Even as a kid, I appreciated that Sesame Street didn’t talk down to us. It addressed the real issues we might have, just in a way that we could digest.

When I got older, I found the Muppets, and it made an even greater impact. The Muppets exist within our cynical, downtrodden world and do their best to fight against it. But they don’t always win. That’s what is so beautiful. Kermit The Frog, our ever-exuberant everyman, has constantly been in a struggle against anxiety and cynicism for decades. It’s not a perfect world. It’s a world where people miss cues and sets fall down and divas destroy dressing rooms backstage. But, despite the constant mayhem and the feeling of teetering on the edge of disaster, Kermit always finds a way to bring everyone together to fight against that fading of the sun. They never fall, even though they get close.

Perhaps one of the most fascinating elements of “The Muppets”, penned by Jason Segel of “How I Met Your Mother” fame, is that we finally see a point where the Muppet gang falls. Granted, it’s before the movie starts. But it’s still an absolutely fascinating and rather heartbreaking thing to see that even the sunniest of days turns to night at some point. It happens. That’s life. And it makes for a really wonderful film.

In refreshing contrast to the rest of the Muppet movies that have been made, “The Muppets” begins in an entirely different way. We meet the protagonists of the film, Gary (Jason Segel) and Walter, his brother. This is a world in which people and puppets live side by side. And if you can allow your brain to set aside the biology of it for a moment, it begins to tell the tale of two brothers who find that they have to stick together because Gary keeps growing and maturing and Walter…is still a puppet. There’s a bit of a height difference. When the world has trouble understanding Walter, he turns to his greatest source of inspiration: The Muppet Show. Kermit and the gang become his greatest pals, if only through the television set. And it becomes his dream to go to Hollywood and meet the Muppets.

Gary decides to take his girlfriend Mary (the always charming Amy Adams) to Los Angeles for their 10 year anniversary, and makes the decision to bring Walter along so he can see Muppet Studios. However, the sunshine and roses start to fade when a tour of the old studios (guided by the absolutely hilarious Alan Arkin) reveals that the place is long abandoned and left to dust. And worse, the villainous Tex Richman (an over the top, fiendish Chris Cooper) reveals that he is going to tear down Muppet Studios to drill for oil. The only way to stop him is to raise 10 million dollars in two weeks to buy back the lot.

Of course, the plot then goes to getting the old gang back together, and that’s where this movie really gets fascinating. Kermit is hesitant at first. The old gang broke up at some point, and it’s never really revealed why. Kermit and Piggy found themselves married…and then divorced. Perhaps their marriage separated them from the group too much to keep it together? Was it their separation that drove the final nail in the coffin? There’s no clear answer. But all that Kermit is left with is old paintings of his friends and painful memories of times that were far better than what he lives now. He is barely ready to face those old memories. But in order to save the studio he has to face them all, including the love he lost.

If it sounds like that got pretty heavy, it’s because it is. Certainly this is still a Muppet film, and it’s funny as hell (really. It’s laugh out loud funny the whole way through). But it also doesn’t shy away from a bit of gravity. In collecting the whole gang, they travel (by map, because it’s faster) to Paris to collect Miss Piggy. And there, Kermit and Piggy have a surprisingly serious discussion about love, marriage, and why they just stopped working. Kermit couldn’t put her on a high enough priority. He couldn’t let her know that he really needed her. He couldn’t make her know that her love was important. She needed the words, not just the gestures. And when that didn’t happen, she had no choice but to leave. Even at the end of the conversation, it’s plain that the simple words “I need you” are all it would take to make her stay. But some part of him blocks those words from spilling from his lips, even as he feels it in his green, felt covered heart.

It’s not all about seriousness though. Not by a long shot. I haven’t had this much fun in a movie theatre in a very long time. I thought I was a pretty big fan of the Muppets, but Jason Segel obviously has me beat. Segel knows everything that makes a Muppet movie great, and puts it all together in this script. There are fantastically fun songs, wacky antics, a collection of cameos as long as my arm, and a strong, unabashedly pure moral at the heart of it.

While this is a fine film for newcomers to The Muppets (are there newcomers? Really?) this is definitely a film catered towards fans. The more you know about the gang, the funnier and more poignant it is. Though I do know folks who have never seen the original Muppet Show who also had a great time. And this also happens to be a wonderful family film. Kids of all ages are sure to find plenty of laughs in the broad humor and silliness, and adults will be bound to find a lot of genuine laughs and thoughtfulness throughout.

If it sounds like I’m a fan, I am. Frank Oz reportedly didn’t want to participate because he didn’t feel the script really honored the spirit of The Muppets. While I hate to argue with someone who surely knows much more than I do about the subject, I feel that the film really does honor the spirit of the franchise, while bringing it into a world that is much different than when it first began. People are perhaps quicker to judge now. Our new age is one of some great bitterness and more than a little scorn. But The Muppets show us that we can wipe some of that away for a time and return to a feeling of wonder. Like the feeling of seeing a rainbow after a harsh storm. For making me feel like a kid again, I’m happy to give “The Muppets” an A.

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